


Idicktical

by Talik_Sanis



Series: Erotic Crack Fics [2]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Animal Tendencies, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Hand Jobs, M/M, Miraculous Side Effects, Multi, Non-Human Genitalia, Squick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:28:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26597557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talik_Sanis/pseuds/Talik_Sanis
Summary: After all these years, and with plenty of experience under her belt, Marinette is finally on the verge of consummating her relationship with Adrien.There's just one problem: What's underneath the hood is awfully familiar...Just 3000 words of Adrien and Marinette discussing stuff and other junk, including that which their teammates cart about.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Everyone, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug/Everyone
Series: Erotic Crack Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1972855
Comments: 36
Kudos: 84





	Idicktical

**Author's Note:**

> Flee now while you have the chance. Only madness and crack await you should you proceed; no "happy endings."

"Why do you have Chat Noir's dick?"

I will take _Questions that you thought that you would never hear in your life_ for $2000, Alex.

Also questions that you don't really know how to answer and are particularly frustrating when a cute girl is currently kneeling in front of you, holding your dick in her hands, and was just about to, I don't know, pop it in her mouth hopefully because that would be nice _pleasethankyouokay?_

Not the best kind of "Daily Double" imaginable.

"How do you know what Chat Noir's dick looks like?" Seated on the chaise in Marinette Dupain-Cheng's attic bedroom, Adrien blinked down at the girl who was favouring him with a suspicious glare, his cock twitching next to her pinched-up cheek.

"I asked first."

"Uh," Adrien chuckled. "It's not?"  
  
"Yes, it is," Marinette insisted, poking his dick away from her face before thinking better of it and _yanking_ it back so that she could inspect the underside.

Adrien nearly screamed.

_You don't do that to a guy's dick, Mari! Would you like it if I torqued your boob?_

"I mean, the barbs aren't there," she hummed, testing the shaft with a heavenly stroke that, even dry, had him shuddering at the brain-melting, spine-contorting pleasure of it, "but you have that same cute little dot of a scar just under the head – the one that he won't talk about."

Okay. So. Marinette was Ladybug... or had been masquerading as one of the other people he'd slept with.

Which meant this was not their first time, so things wouldn't be awkward.

No. Nothing awkward about this at all.  
  
Unless she really pressed him on the issue of the “cute little scar on the underside of [his] penis.”

[One did not just tell a girl that you got a friction burn from having masturbated furiously and continuously over Ladyblog images depicting the heroine of Paris' luscious, taut latex-clad derriere](https://i.imgflip.com/4f7gbw.jpg) because dad never taught you that you should really use lube and you'd just kind of stumbled into the whole "discovering your body" thing when you popped a boner while cuddling your Ladybug dakimakura and then started to _really_ cuddle it.

"Do you mind that I have Chat Noir's dick?" he ground out, clutching the cushion under his butt to the point that it was about to tear.

The cushion. Not his butt. 

But, hey, if she was into that sort of thing...

"It's a nice dick.” Much to his relief, Marinette seemed to be taking his idicktity reveal in stride, as she continued her thoughtful – and thoughtl _ess_ because could you move please? - inspection. “I'll give you that."

"The best dick?" he asked hopefully, pride swelling but not nearly to the same degree as his swelling pride because those palms were silky soft. Had he been Chat Noir at the moment, his tail would have been wagging, even though that was a dog thing.

Adrien was more whipped puppy than cat anyway.

"No.” The answer came immediately and was accompanied by a deflating scoff that made him feel like she'd kicked him in the balls she was currently fondling quite skilfully. “That's Luka's."

Oh. He favoured her with a confuzzled-puppy quirk of the head in quasi-resignation. That wasn't so bad, really. He couldn't even find it within himself to be ashamed or slighted at that one... unless-.

"You mean the second one, right?” he asked with a groan because her hands were still on his dick, now pumping him slowly and it would be rude if he didn't show his appreciation. Papa Agreste didn't raise him to be rude. “'Cause the first one's really... just kind of average."

"Oh, I know. Totally average.” Marinette nodded vigorously, squeezing his cock as if to compare its heft and girth. “Thank goodness for the hemipenis.”

“Gotta respect the hemipenis.” With a reluctant huff, Adrien allowed Marinette to abandon his poor abused dick, leaving little Chat out in the cold like a stray cat in the night, all alone without his velvety Lady. The other Lady with the lovely Lady-palms and ... Lady-fingers - which sounded wrong because he didn't want to eat Marinette's hands even though he was _very_ interested in kitty-cat-cunalingual-cannibalism – settled beside him.

“It's a blessing that takes some getting used to, though,” he added absently as she nuzzled against his shoulder and he hugged her to him so that he could huff the scent of her hair in a way that was _not_ creepy because they were intimate and that kind of thing was allowed now, unlike those dozens of times that he'd sneaked in a sniff when she hadn't been looking back in high-school.

He liked the smell of bread, okay?

And other things he like to eat.

She planted a kiss to his pec, which was aching a little bit because he had been flexing for, like, ten minutes and couldn't let go of it now that her face was right there, now could he?

Her fingers splayed out, showing off her nails. “Well, the barbs were a little weird at first too.”

After looking up some images as research, he was happy to realize that “Little Chat” wasn't exactly like the toothy nightmare of an actual cat's dick. In fact, if Ladybug's _not_ -pained screaming was anything to go by, the blunted barbs gave new meaning to the phrase “ribbed for her pleasure.”

“Just try having them attached to your body.” The very thought had him shuddering. Human dicks were not meant to be barbed, however good it felt. “ Freaky.”

“Oh, I never really – wait.” Her brow shot upwards, the look strangely and viciously keen despite the appearance of shock that couldn't be eclipsed had she just discovered that Hawkmoth was really Andre “The Ice Cream Man” Glacier. “How do you know about the hemipenis?”

“... when the Ladybug's away the cat will play?”

She twitched, leaving him in uncertain terror that she ... might have problems with _that_ sort of thing even though she'd introduced Nath and Marc, before she shot off like a pigtailed bullet, heading downstairs

There was nothing that Adrien could do other than fret and stare at the walls awkwardly.

That was a lot of pink.

Tikki popped her head out of Marinette's purse, wilting him under a heavy glare as she pointed her little nubby paw from her eyes to him and back again several times in an “I'm watching you” gesture.

How was he at fault for anything here? Why were the adults in his life, and the kwami who were immortal so kind of like adults, always blaming _him_ for everything?

There was a sound of water running in the downstairs bathroom and, moments later, Marinette returned, her face and bangs slightly damp as she polished off a glass of water.

Good thing her parents weren't home at the moment, because she'd just been dashing through the house topless and while that produced some hypnotic gyrations and bounces, even in slender girls, it was not something that Tom and Sabine should ever see.

“That's actually ... really hot,” she offered, settling back to his side.

Tension bled from his back and spine. Luka was, indeed, pretty hot.

Even when he unhinged his jaw.

Or was that _especially_ when he unhinged his jaw?

The blessings imparted by the snake miraculous were many and varied.

“Well, we're all pretty hot, aren't we?”He gave her a little squeeze, sweeping matted hair from her face as she frowned again.

“What do you mean 'all?'” she asked.

“Well, it's just that I can't be upset about the whole 'Luka has a nicer second dick' thing.” Hopefully his model's smile placated her, though the slow nibbling of her lip didn't make it seem like she was feeling particularly “peaceful” at the moment. “Alya has ... really great boobs, you know?”  
  
“Oh, yeah.” Marinette nodded easily. “That's true. Perky and pillowy. Great thighs too.”

“Mm-hm. It should be illegal to be that thicc, though the endless yiffing is annoying.”

“I found a great set of ear-plugs if you want me to hook you up.” A flick of her wrist indicated the desk drawer to her sewing area that he knew from a few visits as Chat Noir contained mostly random flotsam in a disorganized heap.

Of course his Lady would take this kind of thing in stride.

Or she was in aroused shock, which kind of punted your brain to the curb.

“I'd really appreciate that.” So would his ears ... and his dick because a lack of yiffing would make the whole _yiffing_ thing a lot easier, especially when Nino was kicking around too. He had it lucky, though. He had headphones.

_Oooh. That's why he wears them everywhere._

It's like his dad said with a strangely aggrieved expression: “Take it from me, son. Never go anywhere without protection.” At this point, Gabriel downed his fifth rum and coke. “You'll regret it for the rest of your life.”

Adrien frowned.

Maybe that was one of the reasons that he needed therapy...

Marinette was kind enough to interrupt that train of thought, helping him to sweep the unpleasant memory under the rug where he stored the rest of the massive pile of trauma and his father's emotional abuse.

“On the subject of Luka, though, don't feel too bad. You have the better butt.” Marinette squeezed said naked butt and hummed appreciatively. He didn't even have to flex; the muscle offered valiant resistance to her explorations regardless. “Like, _way_ better.”

“That might be a matter of perspective.” [Adrien drummed his fingers together eagerly](https://media.tenor.com/images/1563f3b112e9d45f593d9b9df084bd64/tenor.gif), his expression like that of a child seated before a particularly delicious pie, just about to delve in. “Luka has ... a really great butt from a ... certain point of view.”

“Oh, so _you_...?” She let the question hang there, unasked, though from her rapid eye movement, he suspected that she was formulation her own answers and playing them out mentally.

“Let's just say that I'm a cat and he's a snake. We are both very flexible with respect to... positions.” He demonstrated with a boneless contortion of his neck and spine that had him twisted like a pretzel, staring up at her face from above her lap.

“Oh, well... Kagami is still the best at going downtown,” she added, almost defensively, as if offended by just how appealing he found Luka's butt.

_Come on, Mari, it's not a competition._

“Heck yeah she is,” he offered up to her.

She really, really was. Talented, whip-like tongue; tons of research before attempting anything; brutally merciless and precise.

And _no_ hesitation.

About anything.

Like. _Anything_.

“So you two have spent some time downtown?”

“All around town, actually. And, uhm, all _three_ of us,” Adrien clarified, resettling into a position that made it look like he had _not_ just shattered his spine. “She likes refereeing my fencing matches with Luka.”

There was a skyward glance from Marinette as she thumbed her lip pensively. “Do I _want_ you to unpack this metaphor?”  
  
He shrugged, licking his lips at the memory. “You know how Hawkmoth kind of screamed a little bit when he saw Ryuuko wielding two swords?”  
  
“Oh. “ She blinked, arms folding over her naked boobs – which was a travesty – and her brow pinched up in thought. “That... that can't be easy with the hemipenis.”

Adrien nodded slowly, a frown at his own inadequacies crossing his face.

“It's like Zoro Roronoa with the three sword style.”

Kagami made a good buccaneer.

“ _Nice_.” After a moment, Marinette scowled. “I have no idea what you're talking about, but _nice_.”

“[One in each hand, and one in the mouth](https://fairy-one-piece-tail-universe.fandom.com/wiki/Three_Swords_Style),” Adrien explained while providing a few visual aides which were quite accurate thanks to his experience with the hemipenis.

Thank goodness for the hemipenis.

Marinette boggled, her voice an awed hush. “Kagami truly _is_ a master of the blade.”

“Mm-hm.”

“Now-” The word tumbled out in a tremulous squeak had her clearing her throat, allowing Adrien a few more moments to contemplate Kagami's status as a master swordswoman before Marinette began again. “Now that we're talking about this sort of thing... you, uh, didn't do anything with Chloe, did you?”

Oh. That wasn't going to go over very well.

“How-” He scratched the back of his head, seeking out that little itch of guilt that festered inside of his brain. “How important is honesty to our relationship?”

“Ick.”

“It was only the one time,” Adrien assured, trying to assuage any ill-feelings that she might have by squeezing her shoulder and offering her some of his most soulful expressions in a rapid-fire assault.

She did appear relieved at that.

“Not a good experience?” she sighed, voice falling low as if begging him to confirm that Chloe had been a _terrible_ lay.

“It was fine at first,” Adrien said, “but at the end it got so tight that it felt like she was going to rip my pelvis off by way of my dick.”

“Ouch,” she replied.

Marinette looked like she was about to cry in sympathy pain, which was really hypocritical given how she'd abused his dick earlier, but he was a forgiving sort in light of the fact that he was desperate for any form of emotional validation and would thus allow anyone to mistreat him if only they offered him the slightest inkling of care or affection.

“Uh, actually...” Curse him for being so honest about things. He just couldn't bring himself to lie to his Lady, even by omission.

“What?” Marinette asked, slapping on a small, crooked smile.  
  
“Well, does anal count?”

“ _Everything_ counts,“ she stressed.

“Oh, then, like ... thirty-five times?”

Her eyes dilated wide in apparent shock and horror.

“ _Just_ with Queen Bee?” she asked, looking down to the ground with blown pupils as if she was experiencing a moment of Longinian sublimity, transcending the realm of earthly concerns and concepts. “That's ... that's a _lot_ of anal.”  
  
“It, uh... it seems like it's her thing... along with the Ladybug and Hawkmoth cosplay.”

“Not what I expected,” she dragged out. “I always thought she'd be more into 'queening' I guess.”

“It's kind of creepy how she keeps calling me daddy and begging me to pull her hair, though.”

“She stops if you slap her ass _really_ hard.”

“Mari?” There was a twisting sensation in his gut as he processed that possibility and took in the deepening expression of revulsion and shame on Marinette's face. “She ... she called you ' _mommy_?'”

“Actually, it was still _daddy_. Look, with me it really _was_ just one drunk hate-fuck, okay? Don't judge me.”

“I'm not judging you, Marinette. I mean, I'm really not in a position to say anything about hate-fucks after what I did with Mayura, which was weird because the foreplay took forever but she finished in like six seconds. Now that we're talking about it, though, do you think that our hyper-sexualization is a consequence of the deep psychological scars left by our being forced to become child soldiers in a war with a magical terrorist while also suffering from the effects of intense, untreated anxiety and depression respectively, causing us to use sex as an emotional crutch to supplement the lack of any healthy and emotionally-supportive relationships that we can never foster with real people due to the complex web of secrets and lies that define our lives and cut us off from all other human beings, exacerbating our existing isolation?”

“Word.”

Adrien had the good sense and self-awareness necessary to look slightly abashed, running his hand along his shoulder in a way that was certainly not designed to get Marinette to drool over his flexing bicep.

“I guess you were always quicker to realize these things,” he chortled, manic, the sound pitching up and down in a grating staccato.

They just sat in silence for a while, pondering their own deep-seated psychological ailments and making mental notes to arrange therapy sessions in the near future. Eventually, to break the tense atmosphere that felt somewhat akin to the one that had pervaded their classroom like a miasma when Lila had started describing her “friends with benefits” relationship with Ladybug and had Alya hanging off every word, plying the girl for every possible detail, Adrien offered absently:

“The world's pretty lucky that Max is asexual, though.”

“Oh.” A suckling hissed breath from Marinette. “Yeah. That, uh... that's not meant to actually be _used_. I don't know who has it worse: him or Kim.”

“Oh, poor Kim.” Adrien nodded his solemn agreement.

“It's got to be hard on a guy's pride for it to be so...” Her thumb and forefinger rose. If there was space between them, Adrien couldn't see it.

“At least he likes eating bananas.”

“Adrien,” Marinette gaped. “You didn't.”

Okay, now that was just slightly offensive. Not everyone had to be a porn-star or supermodel, or supermodel with more experience than most porn stars.

“Hey! Just because he's not double-hung like Luka doesn't make it weird, Marinette. It's nothing to be ashamed of.”

“No! No!” With clear desperation, she waved him off. “Small penises deserve love too, but I mean... bananas?”

“If that's what you're asking. Yes. There may have been some Mr. Banana cosplay involved... along with -”

“Hey!” Marinette exclaimed, forcing him to drop the subject of bananas, much to his disappointment ([Who didn't love the tempting curves of a healthy, happy, smiling banana?](https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/20c8f1db-afb2-44b1-9c76-ac3ba3b66085)). “What about Snake-Noir?”

“What do you mean?”  
  
“It's just-” as she perked up, her fingers twiddled as she looked towards his untransformed, and thus perfectly human, dick that really hadn't deflated all that much - “did he have a hemipenis too?”

He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, trying to work out the nervous tension and ignore the way that she was staring at him like a ravenous she-wolf about to fall upon Bambi and gobble him up, sparing him a sorrowful and pointless life lived without his mother.

Oh, God. That simile hurt way too much.

_*Sweep.* *Sweep.*_

Under the rug it went and everything was fine.

Perfectly fine.

Anyways, why the heck not just say it? One more bizarre miraculous-related revelation added into their conversation really couldn't hurt anything.

“... it was barbed.”

...

Marinette blinked.

Then, she was flying towards her closet, screaming for her kwami.

“ _Tikki_ , where's the snake miraculous? I _need_ it! T-the future of Paris depends on it!”

As it turned out, Adrien did, in fact, have the best second dick.

Thank goodness for the barbed hemipenis.

**Author's Note:**

> ... I'm sorry.


End file.
